POEM: Another Fucking Sunrise

I don’t remember feeling normal,

To the point that normal is unwell,

And bleary eyes and pounding head is all I know.

I just need to get some rest.

It’s easier said than done.

I close my eyes and wish for sleep.

That maybe this time I’ll fall deep.

But it’s 3am and I’m lying in the dark;

Familiar to me as the dawn’s dreadful chorus.

Sunrises aren’t beautiful when you see them every day.

Jealous of my cat and wife who sleep the whole night through,

I try to still my mind

With techniques that never work more than once.

My deficit is in decades not days.

Five years old and lying awake

Thinking about cartoons too early yet to air.

I moved my bed around that tiny room

As if it’s placement held the key.

A different pillow? A newer sheet?

Empty or shared, in bed I’m always alone.

Same wide open eyes.

Same taunting bird call.

In this battle with consciousness

I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Though even then remains the fear:

Awake again at 3am

Restless even in the grave.

Another fucking sunrise I shouldn’t have to see.