LYRIC: Grief Song
The first time I told you I loved you
Was in your eulogy
We weren’t ever that kind of father and son
Were we, you and me?
More high-fives and the occasional hug
Than words such as “love”
And all those years of poison didn’t help
You cheated on her, but never on us
But when that voice whispers into your ear
Day after day, year after year
That you were never here
A child finds it easy to believe
But if you weren’t around
When you were fucking around
Why are you so frequently found
In weekend memories
Parents’ evenings
Teaching me to ride a bike
Football matches, cricket games
Lakeland walks and mountain hikes
Sharing favourite books and music
Family holidays, Fish and chips
You financed our first album –
Shallow Permanence: a Christmas gift
It was only when you really were not there
That I finally saw how much you had been there
Not the best father
But the best that you could be
And good enough for me
Only – by the time that I could see
You were gone
A Sunday morning
A ringing phone
In a hotel room in Gothenburg
You had died alone
Meanwhile mom used the word like a weapon
“Love?” with a question mark
Emotional blackmail abuser
A narcissist at heart
Her love always attached with some strings
Love that’s demanding of proof
Love, once pure, corrupted by heartbreak
His cheating on her; taken out on us
And we were lumbered with all her fears
Day after day, year after year
That he was never here
Fears a child finds easy to believe
But when he wasn’t around
Cuz he was now in the ground
Why was it that she was not around?
Except whenever
money was mentioned
Selling 86 and his pension
Souring memories; recrimination
Making worse the devastation
In ancient wounds that had not yet healed
Her true character was revealed
In earlier years: our primary care
But when we needed her most she wasn’t there
Little did we know she was dying
And soon our anger would turn to crying
Not the best mother
But the best that she could be
And good enough for me
Only – by the time that I could see
She was gone
Three years pass by now
The phone it rings again
My step dad informs me
Cancer wins again
They’re gone so young
And I’m here